Being a Better Play Partner

We all know that play is important for young children, right? If not, I’ll just say – play is crucial for young children. Play is the way that children engage with the world around them, and it’s the most direct conduit to learning. It provides a context for social-emotional, cognitive, motor, and language development. The United Nations Commission for Human Rights went so far as to declare play an elemental right of every child because it is essential to their well-being (Ginsburg, the Committee on Communications, & the Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, 2007).

Clearly, play is important. But play is also a lot more complex than you might think. There’s independent play, social play, play with objects (i.e., toys), pretend play, game play, and on and on. And something else that might surprise you (or maybe not) … adults are NOT the best play partners. Often, as we get older, we forget how to play! More than that, we forget how to play in a way that is fun and meaningful for children.

1. Follow their lead.
As teachers, caregivers, parents, etc., we spend most of our time directing the young children in our lives. Go here, do that, get ready for this, stop doing that, don’t eat those, watch out for that … but for good reason, right? That’s our job! And otherwise, they’d be unlikely to stay alive. Playtime doesn’t have to be that way though! It’s actually really beneficial for children’s development NOT to do that during play. It builds a sense of autonomy and independence when they get to lead, and especially when they get to watch you follow them. Bonus: when it’s time for you to be in charge again, they’re less likely to fight you for that power.

2. Imitate.
If you’re not leading the play, that leaves a lot of space where you might not know what to do. Just sitting and watching is okay for short periods of time, but it turns out that it’s pretty unsettling for kids to have an adult just sitting and watching while they play. Also, we’re learning about how to be a better play partner, right? So – imitate! Do what they do. If they roll out the Play-Doh, or drive the car around the rug, or pretend to pour water out of a cup, you can do the same thing. This is important because it allows for you to engage in the play without taking over control. Another bonus: children notice when you copy their actions. This is one of the surest ways to get their attention when you’re playing together without saying anything out loud.

3. Expand.

This is just a fancy way of saying “adding on” to your child’s play. First, imitate. Then, expand. Add on one action, or one idea, or one word/phrase to what your child is already doing. If they’re really young or engaging in simple actions, add less. If they’re older and engaging in more complex play, add more. For example, if your child drives the car around the rug, you can drive the car around the rug, and then up the wall. If your child stacks a block, you can add one more and say, “tower!” If your child pretends to feed a bottle to a baby doll and says “Baby is hungry,” you can feed a bottle to the baby and say, “Baby is hungry…now baby is full! Time to burp the baby!” and pretend to burp the baby. As the play gets more complex, your expansions can get more complex too.

4. Wait, and repeat.
A key piece of being a good play partner is taking turns. Once you’ve imitated and expanded, let your child make the next move. You can repeat the action while you wait. Remember, you’re following their lead - and children process things more slowly than adults. They’re in charge. It might feel awkward at first, and that’s okay. Your child is learning a lot during this back-and-forth exchange, and if you rush it, they have less opportunity to process and engage. Wait for them to do something, and then repeat the process! 

5. Don’t talk too much.
Kids don’t like to be peppered with verbal input any more than adults do. Allow for some space and some quiet in the play time. Young children, especially really young children or children with delays, take longer to process auditory input than adults do. If you’re constantly talking to them, they’re still only taking in a small portion of what you’re actually saying, which means the rest gets lost. Be intentional and specific about your words. Make comments every once in a while (think one per minute), ask questions rarely (one every 5 minutes), and imitate often!

Being a better play partner means better engagement and stronger relationships. Doing this for even 5 minutes a day can have long-lasting impacts for your child’s development and your relationship. One last tip? Smile. Try to really enjoy the fact that you get to play with your child, even when there are a million other things going on. It’s a great opportunity to pause and appreciate the small (and very important!) moments.