The Power of Choices

One of the best and, in my opinion, one of the most underrated techniques for interacting effectively with children is the use of choices. Let me explain why this simple strategy can be such a powerful tool.  

Why?

To start, young children spend so. much. time. being told what to do. All day, every day, by almost all of the adults in their lives. And then we wonder why they randomly throw a fit when we tell them they have to drink out of the blue cup instead of the green cup. It has nothing at all to do with the cup – their compliance meter is just maxed out! And if you’re asking them to do something they don’t want to do? Even worse.

Different children have different compliance maximums. Allowing them the freedom to choose in small but meaningful ways reduces the likelihood that they’re going to hit this compliance maximum when you’ve asked them to do something they really need to do, like brush their teeth (or keep their hand off the hot stove). They’re less likely to arbitrarily assert their independence out of the blue when you’ve been intentionally letting them arbitrarily assert their independence throughout the day.

Besides the fact that giving choices can help prevent meltdowns and increase compliance, it also allows children the chance to have some low-stakes autonomy in their lives. Think about it: you don’t want your child to turn 18 and still be 100% compliant to the “grown-ups” in their lives, right? More than likely, you want them to respect the trusted people in their tribe, think critically about what the right choices are for them, and seek guidance when they’re unsure. This can start out as small choices when they’re toddlers and gradually grow as they do. You can also think of it as building your relationship capital. In a meaningful relationship between any two humans, there has to be a level of respect for one another’s personhood and autonomy. Now, should you give your preschooler full autonomy? No. But should they get to pick out their own shoes? Or decide if they want to brush their teeth or put on their PJs first when they’re getting ready for bed? Personally, I am firmly in the camp of yes, they should.

How?

There’s a couple of key pieces to effective choice-giving that need to be in place for this strategy to be effective. First, neither of the choices should be punitive. “Pick up your toys or go to time out,” is not the right way to use choices. I’m not saying you can’t communicate with your child this way – follow through with the expectation, or receive a consequence you don’t like – but it’s not a proper example of giving choices. You’re not building independence or respect this way, you’re enforcing a boundary. Forced choices are not real choices.

Second, only offer choices that are actually available, and honor their choice when they make it. If you don’t want them to pick something, don’t offer it as a choice. If they pick something you don’t like, follow through anyway. It degrades trust when you let your child choose and then don’t honor it. If something changes and the choice they made is no longer available (e.g., the iPad dies, a restaurant is closed, the schedule for the day changes), tell them what happened and honor their feelings about it. Let them re-choose if you can.

Last, you can use choice-making in two key ways. One: randomly throughout the day just for fun. Do you want to play with hot wheels or Legos? Do you want to eat rice or noodles? This method is more about strengthening the relationship, minimizing the compliance max-out, and promoting autonomy. Two: intentionally during a non-preferred activity. It’s time to brush teeth – do you want bubblegum or mint toothpaste? It’s time to get ready for bed – do you want to bring your puzzle or your book with you? It’s time to go to school – do you want to hop like a bunny or stomp like a dinosaur to the car? This method is more about maximizing the likelihood of compliance and preventing challenging behaviors. Conveniently, it also promotes mutual respect in the relationship too, resulting in big impact from a pretty minor tweak to your behavior.

This is what prevention strategies are all about: small, meaningful, daily practices that improve the well-being of everyone involved.