Talk Less, Say More: Communicating Effectively with Young Children

There’s a lot of skill involved in interacting effectively with young children.

Actually, there’s a lot of skill involved in interacting effectively with anyone, including your own self. As humans, we tend to undervalue the “soft science” of people skills. We behave as though it’s something we’re born with, just because we’re all the same species. But it’s not, and it does a great disservice to everyone to assume that just because we’re all people, we know how to communicate with one another. Kids are even further removed, because they haven’t been humans for very long, so their language, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence are even less developed. This makes interacting with them even more of an art form, but luckily there are a few things you can do to hedge your bets in the right direction.

1. Less is (usually) more.

Young children, especially really young children, are much slower than adults at processing aural input (i.e., things they hear). As adults, we’re constantly peppering kids with words, especially when we want them to do (or not do) something. But more than likely they’re still processing what we said twenty words ago. If you do need to repeat yourself, which is likely, just say exactly what you said before, unless they obviously need additional information. When you can, give them at least twice as much time to process as you think they need!

2. Mean what you say.

The subtle nuances of sarcasm and hypothetical questions just don’t land for most kids. Most of what adults think is funny or clever ends up being confusing, if they even take the time to try and figure it out. When you’re trying to meaningfully communicate with a child, be direct. Don’t ask a question that’s not really a question – like, “Are you ready to brush your teeth?” when what you actually mean is, “It’s time to brush your teeth whether you’re ready or not.” Don’t tell a two-year-old to “be patient” … unless you also want to explain what you mean by “patient.”

 3. Ask questions – but not too many.

Another default practice of well-meaning adults is to ask questions about EVERYTHING young children are doing. This is problematic, because half the time they don’t know the answer. Kids also get hit with questions a lot, which gets tiring. A quality, meaningful question is great, but questions aren’t the only way to show you’re interested. Comments, suggestions, ideas, affirming noises, and acknowledgements are great too. And, just to reiterate one more time, do not ask questions that are not really questions!

 4. Get on their level.

This applies to both eye level and language level. If they can see your face, they’re more likely to hear you, and they’re more likely to recognize that you’re speaking to them. If you’re using language that mirrors their expressive capabilities, they’re more likely to understand what you’re saying. You don’t need to use “baby talk” or reduce your vocabulary down to the same words they use – but bringing down the complexity a little bit is a helpful and kind thing to do.

5. Be honest.

Children get lied to a lot. Sometimes it’s for very valid reasons. I’m not telling you to be completely transparent with your toddler about things that are developmentally inappropriate. But most of the time we do this out of convenience or comfortability. It is a completely valid – and validating – option for you to say, “I’m not sure how to explain that right now. Let me think about for a minute,” when a young child asks about a complicated or sensitive topic. Honesty fosters trust and promotes autonomy. It also helps prevent the whole “adults know everything” complex that is unsuspectingly problematic and usually falls apart in the teen years anyway.

It's important to remember that children are still human. They have similar tendencies, weaknesses, and strengths as adults - but in different proportions and at different levels of proficiency. You don’t necessarily need to change everything about the way you talk. Slow down, simplify, and be genuine. They still won’t always listen – but they are more likely to listen if you treat them with respect!