Tantrums Happen … Avoid These Common Mistakes!
It’s hard to know what to do when your toddler is in the middle of one of those classic, terrible tantrums that two-year-olds throw from time to time. When your child is experiencing big emotions, it’s likely to bring out your own big emotions too, and that’s when it’s the easiest to make mistakes. Luckily, there’s a couple of replacements you can try instead that are beneficial in the moment, and over the long term!
Mistake: Matching their energy
When someone around you is melting down, especially when it’s your child, and especially when you’re in public – it’s hard to keep your cool. Even when you’re outwardly holding it together, inwardly you’re probably escalating pretty quickly too. It’s a physiological reaction that makes complete sense. But you can’t de-escalate anyone when you’re escalated yourself, and this is particularly true for toddlers! If they see you start to get big, whether that’s by talking louder, making lots of gestures, getting really stern, or making big demands, you’re only going to add fuel to your toddler’s already-big feelings.
Instead: Keep things (relatively) calm
This is much easier said than done, I know. But keeping your energy calm and steady in the midst of your toddler’s thunderstorm of feelings is (more than) half the battle! When your little one is experiencing overwhelming feelings, they look to you for an example of what to do about it. The way you react to their feelings is going to help set the stage for the way that they react to their feelings for the rest of their lives. Now, to be clear, this doesn’t mean that they’ll immediately settle down when they see that you’re calm. But if you can establish a pattern of responding that is (mostly) steady, accepting, and composed, regardless of what’s happening around you, you’re laying the foundation for a child that will learn to respond to feelings, both others’ and their own, in the same way.
Mistake: Using lots of “stop”, “no”, and “don’t”
When your two-year-old is doing a LOT of things that you would rather them not, it’s the easiest thing in the world to pepper them with this language. Stop crying, don’t hit, no screaming… and it’s not a bad thing to let your toddler know when they need to stop doing something, but that’s only half the story. If they’re upset or angry, it’s likely that they’re going to continue doing what they’re doing (or something else that’s problematic!) because they don’t know what else to do. And if all they hear from you is to stop doing what they’re currently doing, they’re likely going to get even more frustrated.
Instead: Tell them what to do
Reframe your statements to include positive, directive language that tells your child what they can do instead. You can also give a simple and short explanation for why. “I can’t talk with you when you’re screaming. If you need something you can ask for it using your quiet voice.” Be direct and consistent with your feedback – changing up the expectations or the words you’re using is confusing and frustrating for them! Keep things positively-stated, simple, and straight-forward. Then, once you’ve made the expectation clear, don’t repeat yourself over and over. Make sure they understand what you’re looking for, and then give them time and space to follow through with the expectation!
Mistake: Correcting their feelings
It’s easy to discount your toddler’s emotions when they’re melting down over something small. As a parent, you can probably distinctly remember a time when you looked at your toddler and thought (or maybe even said out loud), “Really? You’re having this kind of a reaction NOW, about THIS?” As adults, with a more developed sense of rationality, it’s easier for us to see when our child’s reaction is out of proportion with reality. But even as adults, we’ve all experienced a time where we did the same thing. Maybe you were tired or stressed or especially looking forward to a particular event, and then when things changed unexpectedly, you were heartbroken. If the circumstances were different, it wouldn’t have been as big of a deal, but this time – it just was. Now imagine that, during that time, someone you loved said to you, “Relax. It’s not that big of a deal. You really shouldn’t be so upset.” Chances are slim your response is going to be, “You know what? You’re right. I’m fine now!” Even if you know you’re “overreacting,” it still doesn’t help for someone to discredit how you feel.
Instead: Validate their feelings
Think of your toddler’s tantrum the same way. They’re overreacting, sure. But they’re also two. They’ve only been in this body, experiencing these feelings for a short time, and they don’t know how to do that well yet. By helping them acknowledge and accept their feelings, however big or irrational, you can then help them learn how to respond to them. If you teach them that their feelings are invalid, or wrong, they’re going to learn to stuff them away, or hide them from others, rather than process and deal with them healthily. It’s important to distinguish the difference between validating their feelings, and validating their actions. It’s okay to feel sad, or angry, or disappointed. It’s not okay to hit others when you’re angry, or scream and cry for hours because you’re sad. It’s possible to validate your child’s feelings without validating their behavior. Let them know that you see that they’re upset, that it’s okay to be upset, that you love them, and then propose a solution, or ask what they need. Then, you can both move on together.
Toddlerhood tantrums are tricky for everyone. These practices won’t necessarily make them go away, but they can make them shorter, less intense, and less frequent. They’re also going to make the process healthier for all involved. By taking a proactive approach, you can ease the sting of your child’s big emotions, and keep your own in check too. This means less conflict and more trust in your relationship – which can also help prevent future meltdowns. Win-win!
